Last night at prayer group, as we began to pray over others, I was getting hit really hard with vivid flashbacks about what a certain young man did to me. I was so overwhelmed that I had to move apart from the group so I could cry. I was angry. I felt like screaming or running. Heather and Esther, at separate times, came to try to comfort me, but I refused to be comforted. I left the room and paced back and forth for several minutes. I wanted the memories to stop. I’m sick of seeing what he did to me over and over.
When I went back inside, I went and sat against the wall and prayed. I began to cry a little harder, with the occasional sound. Then Aaron came and sat next to me. After a while, he asked if he could give me a hug, because he felt that I really needed a hug. I let him, and the tears started to fall faster and harder. He asked if I wanted to be prayed over next, and I said yes.
When I went back to the circle and sat in the middle of everyone, they asked if there was anything that I needed prayer about or if it was unspoken. I told them I was so upset and I hated myself for being so stupid. I hate what he did to me. I hate that I didn’t fight back harder. I wish I had fought back harder.
They began to pray for me, and Haley told me that my feelings were valid, but misdirected. I wasn’t supposed to be mad at myself or anyone else, but at Satan. My anger is valid and my hurt is valid, but I shouldn’t be turning it back on myself like I have been doing.
Then she told me that I needed to let some things out, and that I could feel safe to do that right there. After that I began to cry harder. I haven’t cried that hard (or loud) for a long time, if ever. I let out all of the hurt and frustration I’ve been feeling. Others around me were crying, too.
After I was done crying, I did feel a little better, but mostly I was tired. Laura gave me a note. It said: “‘Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. You will dance among the ruins.’ I sense the word rebuilding over you. Just as in Ezra and Nehemiah, the Israelites returned to rebuild, they had to start among the ruins of Jerusalem. And though they received opposition, they continued with their rebuilding and it was fulfilled because it was sanctioned by the Lord. It was His Word coming to pass. The Israelites were told to rebuild the Temple, the dwelling place of God. That is you. You are His Temple. The place where He resides, He rests, He delights to dwell in. The Lord is rebuilding you. I feel the word child-like over you. A child-like faith and wonder which He placed in you, which pleases Him. It is this faith, this trust which he exploited and used. God redeems this. It is His. Crawl in His lap like the child you are. And rejoice.”
I drove home and slept for a long time. I didn’t feel wonderful when I woke up, but I feel better. I’m not going to be rebuilt overnight. It still hasn’t even been a year since the abuse ended. I’ll still have dreams and flashbacks, but I will get better. And when I’m done rebuilding, I’ll be even stronger than I was before.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Hearing from God Each Morning (August 26)
This blog is about today’s devotion in the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer.
Today’s devotion talks about not giving into the desires of our flesh, because when we are giving into those desires, we cannot dwell in the presence of God. Meyer writes, “For example, if I am angry I will not enjoy the presence of God.” This really stuck out to me because today I have been feeling hurt and angry. Today is the birthday of the young man who hurt me. I am reminded of the things he did to me—things I cannot speak of. I am angry at him and myself for falling into that trap he set for me.
But God doesn’t want me to be angry. He wants me to look at all He has in store for me. He didn’t want those things to happen to me, but they did. And now He is there to comfort me. But I need to listen and open up to Him. If I seek revenge or sit in my anger, God can’t help me. I have to be willing to be helped.
Today’s devotion talks about not giving into the desires of our flesh, because when we are giving into those desires, we cannot dwell in the presence of God. Meyer writes, “For example, if I am angry I will not enjoy the presence of God.” This really stuck out to me because today I have been feeling hurt and angry. Today is the birthday of the young man who hurt me. I am reminded of the things he did to me—things I cannot speak of. I am angry at him and myself for falling into that trap he set for me.
But God doesn’t want me to be angry. He wants me to look at all He has in store for me. He didn’t want those things to happen to me, but they did. And now He is there to comfort me. But I need to listen and open up to Him. If I seek revenge or sit in my anger, God can’t help me. I have to be willing to be helped.
Hearing from God Each Morning (August 25)
This blog is about today’s devotion in the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer.
Today’s devotion was about being real with God. He knows everything about us, so why would we try to lie to Him? We need to just tell Him how we feel and what we’ve done.
Lately I’ve been experiencing that with a certain area of my life. I’ve been praying to God, “I don’t want to let this go, but You want me to. Give me a desire to let this go.” I’ve gradually seen a change in my heart and feelings, but it’s not something that always happens overnight. What matters is that I was being honest with God and want to be more willing to let this thing go.
God cares about me and what I’m really thinking. To draw closer to Him, I need to be honest and open with Him about every part of my life.
Today’s devotion was about being real with God. He knows everything about us, so why would we try to lie to Him? We need to just tell Him how we feel and what we’ve done.
Lately I’ve been experiencing that with a certain area of my life. I’ve been praying to God, “I don’t want to let this go, but You want me to. Give me a desire to let this go.” I’ve gradually seen a change in my heart and feelings, but it’s not something that always happens overnight. What matters is that I was being honest with God and want to be more willing to let this thing go.
God cares about me and what I’m really thinking. To draw closer to Him, I need to be honest and open with Him about every part of my life.
Hearing from God Each Morning (August 24)
This blog is about today’s devotion in the book Hearing from God Each Morning by Joyce Meyer.
We are supposed to turn over our entire lives—our thoughts, our words, our actions—to God. The Holy Spirit needs to invade our lives completely, but we need to invite Him in. When we do this, though, we can’t have any thought, word, or action that offends God. We are to live every moment to please Him.
That’s impossible for me on my own. Fortunately, I don’t have to do it alone. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me to help me honor God in all I do. The biggest thing I struggle with is bitter thoughts about things that may have happened years ago. Most of the time these thoughts never make it to words, and they very rarely make it to actions. But the bitter thoughts are offensive to God, and have no place in my life. Even yesterday as I was at a woman’s house, my heart was full of bitterness towards her daughter, who was not home. I was praying that her daughter wouldn’t show up because of the bitterness I had inside. Because of that feeling, I was quiet and not as friendly as I know I can be. As believers, that bitterness has no place in our lives, and it is offensive to God. He forgives us, and we need to forgive others.
I’m learning to let the Holy Spirit take control, but it’s still something I have to work on. I try to hard to do things on my own power, and that’s not what God wants. I need to give everything, big or small, to Him.
We are supposed to turn over our entire lives—our thoughts, our words, our actions—to God. The Holy Spirit needs to invade our lives completely, but we need to invite Him in. When we do this, though, we can’t have any thought, word, or action that offends God. We are to live every moment to please Him.
That’s impossible for me on my own. Fortunately, I don’t have to do it alone. I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me to help me honor God in all I do. The biggest thing I struggle with is bitter thoughts about things that may have happened years ago. Most of the time these thoughts never make it to words, and they very rarely make it to actions. But the bitter thoughts are offensive to God, and have no place in my life. Even yesterday as I was at a woman’s house, my heart was full of bitterness towards her daughter, who was not home. I was praying that her daughter wouldn’t show up because of the bitterness I had inside. Because of that feeling, I was quiet and not as friendly as I know I can be. As believers, that bitterness has no place in our lives, and it is offensive to God. He forgives us, and we need to forgive others.
I’m learning to let the Holy Spirit take control, but it’s still something I have to work on. I try to hard to do things on my own power, and that’s not what God wants. I need to give everything, big or small, to Him.
Philippians: I've Got that Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart
This blog is about pages 149-151 in the book The Smart Guide to the Bible: Paul and the Prison Epistles.
Philippians 1:18b-20 says, “and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice. For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.” (NKJV)
Most commentators don’t believe that Paul ever got the chance to testify in court, but think that he was held for two years under house arrest and then released. They believe he continued to travel and preach the gospel. During a second imprisonment in Rome he wrote 2 Timothy. We know that Paul was executed for his faith, but we don’t know when.
But when Paul wrote this letter to the Philippians, he did not know what would happen to him. He knew he could die and be put to death for his faith, but he wanted to stay true to Christ not matter what. He just wanted Jesus glorified no matter what it took—life or death. Paul wanted Jesus to be “magnified” so others could see Him better.
One of our main purposes in life is to give glory to God. We are meant to live in a way that gives Him the glory at all times. I know that when people meet me and talk to me, they know I am a Christian. They know I am willing to answer questions. But I know that I am not perfect, and not every word or action gives glory to God. I’m learning and letting the Holy Spirit do His work in me. All of my actions can’t give glory to God without His help.
There are many reasons we should give glory to God and many ways we are to give Him glory. He is good. He does good deeds. He sent His Son to die to forgive our sins. He delivers us. We can give Him the glory by requesting that He reveal His glory (Exodus 22:18-23), confessing our sins (Joshua 7:19-20), praising Him (Psalm 66:2), singing (Psalm 69:30), giving thanks to Him (Psalm 69:30), speaking of His marvelous deeds to others (Psalm 96:3), rejoicing in Him (Psalm 105:3), living in Christian unity (Romans 15:5-6), accepting others (Romans 15:7), and living good lives (1 Peter 2:12).
I need to remember to always have praises on my heart and on my lips. If I’m not telling the people around me about all that He is done, they will never see Him for who He is, but will only see the Law, which does not set them free. The only end to a legalistic view of Christianity is to learn the love and goodness of God. I can teach that to the world by always living to glorify Him.
Philippians 1:18b-20 says, “and in this I rejoice, yes, and will rejoice. For I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayer and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death.” (NKJV)
Most commentators don’t believe that Paul ever got the chance to testify in court, but think that he was held for two years under house arrest and then released. They believe he continued to travel and preach the gospel. During a second imprisonment in Rome he wrote 2 Timothy. We know that Paul was executed for his faith, but we don’t know when.
But when Paul wrote this letter to the Philippians, he did not know what would happen to him. He knew he could die and be put to death for his faith, but he wanted to stay true to Christ not matter what. He just wanted Jesus glorified no matter what it took—life or death. Paul wanted Jesus to be “magnified” so others could see Him better.
One of our main purposes in life is to give glory to God. We are meant to live in a way that gives Him the glory at all times. I know that when people meet me and talk to me, they know I am a Christian. They know I am willing to answer questions. But I know that I am not perfect, and not every word or action gives glory to God. I’m learning and letting the Holy Spirit do His work in me. All of my actions can’t give glory to God without His help.
There are many reasons we should give glory to God and many ways we are to give Him glory. He is good. He does good deeds. He sent His Son to die to forgive our sins. He delivers us. We can give Him the glory by requesting that He reveal His glory (Exodus 22:18-23), confessing our sins (Joshua 7:19-20), praising Him (Psalm 66:2), singing (Psalm 69:30), giving thanks to Him (Psalm 69:30), speaking of His marvelous deeds to others (Psalm 96:3), rejoicing in Him (Psalm 105:3), living in Christian unity (Romans 15:5-6), accepting others (Romans 15:7), and living good lives (1 Peter 2:12).
I need to remember to always have praises on my heart and on my lips. If I’m not telling the people around me about all that He is done, they will never see Him for who He is, but will only see the Law, which does not set them free. The only end to a legalistic view of Christianity is to learn the love and goodness of God. I can teach that to the world by always living to glorify Him.
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