Prayer Group - Rebuilding the Temple

Last night at prayer group, as we began to pray over others, I was getting hit really hard with vivid flashbacks about what a certain young man did to me. I was so overwhelmed that I had to move apart from the group so I could cry. I was angry. I felt like screaming or running. Heather and Esther, at separate times, came to try to comfort me, but I refused to be comforted. I left the room and paced back and forth for several minutes. I wanted the memories to stop. I’m sick of seeing what he did to me over and over.

When I went back inside, I went and sat against the wall and prayed. I began to cry a little harder, with the occasional sound. Then Aaron came and sat next to me. After a while, he asked if he could give me a hug, because he felt that I really needed a hug. I let him, and the tears started to fall faster and harder. He asked if I wanted to be prayed over next, and I said yes.

When I went back to the circle and sat in the middle of everyone, they asked if there was anything that I needed prayer about or if it was unspoken. I told them I was so upset and I hated myself for being so stupid. I hate what he did to me. I hate that I didn’t fight back harder. I wish I had fought back harder.

They began to pray for me, and Haley told me that my feelings were valid, but misdirected. I wasn’t supposed to be mad at myself or anyone else, but at Satan. My anger is valid and my hurt is valid, but I shouldn’t be turning it back on myself like I have been doing.

Then she told me that I needed to let some things out, and that I could feel safe to do that right there. After that I began to cry harder. I haven’t cried that hard (or loud) for a long time, if ever. I let out all of the hurt and frustration I’ve been feeling. Others around me were crying, too.

After I was done crying, I did feel a little better, but mostly I was tired. Laura gave me a note. It said: “‘Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. You will dance among the ruins.’ I sense the word rebuilding over you. Just as in Ezra and Nehemiah, the Israelites returned to rebuild, they had to start among the ruins of Jerusalem. And though they received opposition, they continued with their rebuilding and it was fulfilled because it was sanctioned by the Lord. It was His Word coming to pass. The Israelites were told to rebuild the Temple, the dwelling place of God. That is you. You are His Temple. The place where He resides, He rests, He delights to dwell in. The Lord is rebuilding you. I feel the word child-like over you. A child-like faith and wonder which He placed in you, which pleases Him. It is this faith, this trust which he exploited and used. God redeems this. It is His. Crawl in His lap like the child you are. And rejoice.”

I drove home and slept for a long time. I didn’t feel wonderful when I woke up, but I feel better. I’m not going to be rebuilt overnight. It still hasn’t even been a year since the abuse ended. I’ll still have dreams and flashbacks, but I will get better. And when I’m done rebuilding, I’ll be even stronger than I was before.